Why doesn't our school system think highly enough of education to use it as a tool to prevent violence and harassment?
Imagine an average Ontario high school classroom of around 30 students.
If it is indeed an ‘average’ class, eight of the girls and four of the boys sitting in those rows of desks have been victims of verbal forms sexual harassment at school.
Five of those girls and two or three of the boys have been touched or grabbed in an unwanted sexual way – again, while at school.
And if it’s an older class, at least eight of the girls and around three of the boys have been pressured into doing something sexual they didn’t want to do.
OK, so imagining, let alone finding an “average” high school classroom in Ontario would be impossible, but that doesn’t make these numbers any less real or alarming.
These are the statistics that came out of the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health’s recent study on sexual harassment and related behaviours among youth, released this week. The study surveyed more than 1,800 grade 9 and 11 students in 23 Ontario schools.
The CAMH study confirms and emphasizes the findings of the School Community Safety Panel’s 1,000+ page report on safety in Toronto public schools (a.k.a. the Falconer Report, named for the panel’s chair Julian Falconer), released just a few days before.
The Falconer Report found that in Toronto, sexual assaults and sexual harassment are happening in schools at a startling rate, that girls are much more likely to experience it than boys, and, moreover, that most cases are going unreported.
Both studies also show that experience of sexual harassment in schools is closely related to very serious long-term effects in students, including depression, low self esteem, missed school days, declining grades, and substance abuse.
In short, gender-based forms of violence and harassment in high schools are a bigger problem than perhaps anyone realized.
Well, except of course for teachers and school administrators.
Oh, and anyone who’s attended high school.
Actually, the truth is, alarming as these numbers are, they’re not new. A 1995 study, nearly 15 years ago now, by the Ontario Secondary School Teachers’ Federation found that over 80% of female students had been sexually harassed at school.
Not to mention the stacks and stacks of feminist (and other progressive) education scholarship that’s been done since the 1970s looking at the ways in which equity and safety intersect to make high school environments what they are for certain populations.
How long can we wait before implementing measures to ensure that the most vulnerable students are not being robbed of their right to go to school in a safe and secure environment, as is supposedly guaranteed by the Ontario government?
This action will require not merely responding to these disturbing “new” statistics in the Falconer and CAMH reports, but rather looking to the root causes that are occasioning such a high level of harassment and violence in high schools.
So why is this happening in Ontario schools?
Sure, high schools are sexually charged places. High school hallways are certainly minefields of raging hormones, confusing questions about sexuality and identity, and complex social hierarchies that thousands of teenagers must negotiate together as they all rush head-on through puberty, adolescence and young adulthood.
But that can’t be all, because assault and harassment are certainly not a necessary consequence of adolescent sexuality. Moreover, anti-bullying and anti-violence measures currently in use by school boards clearly aren’t proving effective.
The Falconer Report argues that these programs are ineffective because they take a gender neutral stance and don’t address very real forms of inequity that affect students' lives and, the Report argues, lie at the root of much of the violence and harassment occurring in schools.
In other words, our school system is vastly underestimating the way that social inequities (and not just those of sex and gender, but also race and class) powerfully condition how safe or unsafe our schools are.
Sexism, racism, poverty, and other forms of inequity are a fact of life for many high school students in varying ways and degrees – just as they are for the world outside of the high school walls. But what our school system is lacking, these new reports (and their predecessors) tell us, are the tools and information to help students successfully confront and negotiate these very real inequities.
Isn`t providing students with the tools with which to confront and negotiate their lives what education is (or is supposed to be) all about? We must ask why then, are these urgent issues not being addressed in the classroom?
It is becoming increasingly clear that what our schools are shying away from (at their own peril) is engaging students in critical discussions on gender, equality, sexism, gender roles, homophobia, race, and class – and how these and other forms of discrimination and oppression all intersect in complicated ways. These are issues that are virtually nonexistent in the current standard curriculum, but that are clearly nonetheless powerfully at work throughout the school system.
Students also need much more adequate information on healthy relationships, sex, sexuality, body image, harassment, assault, and violence that goes far beyond a few pamphlets in the guidance office and two or three days work in (often, optional) health classes.
We also need to be engaging boys in discussions about masculinity, gender roles and homophobia, as these most recent reports identified all of these things as contributing to male students becoming perpetrators of violence
Moreover, we need course content that allows students to see themselves in their education, as studies continuously show students always do better in school and develop stronger self-esteem and sense of self when this is so. This would mean a shift towards (for example) more girl-centric and afro-centric curricula – more women authors in English class, more non-white faces in our history books (etc.).
We also need more training for teachers, not only so that they can effectively handle issues of gender based violence and diffuse charged situations before they turn potentially dangerous, but also so that they can engage students in meaningful discussions about the societal causes and effects of gender based violence.
Most of all, what our schools are lacking are holistic, school-wide approaches that focus on the root causes of violence and harassment as a means to prevention, not simply reaction. This is not simply a question of equity or `fairness` in schools; we`re seeing daily that it`s an incredibly urgent question of safety and of the basic human right to an education.
For the last three years, the Miss G__ Project for Equity in Education has been lobbying the Ministry of Education to implement a Women`s and Gender Studies course into the Ontario High School Curriculum.
Following WGS scholarship in post-secondary education, The Miss G__ Project envisions WGS as a high school course, directed at both female and male students, which would address all these needs laid out by the CAMH and Falconer Reports by providing students with the tools, education and language necessary to confront sexism, racism and classism in their daily lives.
Several visionary high school teachers are already teaching locally developed WGS courses across the province because they know first hand the urgency and simply couldn`t wait any longer for the Ministry to act.
In response to the Falconer Report, Minister of Education Kathleen Wynne told the Toronto Star that she is "very supportive of preventative measures." The CAMH and Falconer Reports, not to mention the news reports of gender based violence in schools we hear so regularly, confirm that giving students the tools they desperately need as part of the education they deserve to receive in a safe environment is a preventative measure this province cannot afford to wait on any longer.
On February 14, the Miss G__ Project is conducting a phone calling campaign encouraging supporters to call the Minister of Education expressing the urgency and demand for WGS material to be implemented into the curriculum sooner rather than later as an effective means of preventing harassment and violence in our schools.
For more information, please visit the Project`s website at www.themissgproject.org or email themissgproject@gmail.com.
(If you're on facebook, you can check out Miss G's campaign page here: http://facebook.com/event.php?eid=8006913425
Saturday, February 9, 2008
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3 comments:
in november 2005
a survey of 3000 high school students in 8 high schools in toronto kingston and montreal, conducted by psych profs from york and queen's found 75% of students said they had been sexually harassed at least once by their peers.
lead researcher was jennifer connelly (the prof not the actress) from york... she talks about bullying becoming sexualized in higher grades... she also makes the fantastic point that if 75% of employees in a workplace reported they were being sexually harassed, "it simply wouldn't be allowed."
the study also talks about the effects of harassment included slipping grades and cutting class, especially among girl students.
girls' self esteem drops and the seem more depressed, boys skipped school more often and abused drugs and booze.
it notes that more girls are victimized by sexual harassment, and that boys subject each other to "harassing behaviour that takes on sexual innuendo." that many are taunted about sexual orientation and call each other homophobic names.
these students were studied for 3 consecutive years to see how attitudes change.
(article in national post wed nov 30, 2005, by natalie alcoba)
doesn't this all sound soooooooo familiar?
it's all just a lil bit of history repeating -- now when's someone in power gonna take charge and DO SOMETHING.
It's the worst for girls unlucky enough to develop early. Apparently having D-cup genetics is an open invitation to gropes and attention from seniors.
The Northwestern Health Unit is bringing me to talk with male and female students in separate sessions in 7 cities in September/October. I will also talk with adults in 3 or 4 of those towns. I am a pioneering rape prevention educator specializing in talking with boys and men (and experienced in talking with girls and women too). I won't get to address all the following items because of time constraints, but do address them in various sessions.
Joseph Weinberg will be speaking to high school girls about:
1. The Shameful History of the Rape Laws: The shameful history of the rape laws and the only recent improvement in the laws should be discussed in sessions with females. In the past, the assumption was that women lied about rape. To prove that she had been raped, a woman had to prove that she had struggled. To prove that she had struggled, she had to be physically damaged in addition to the rape (which, remember, was believed to be only “sex”). If someone feels that they have been assaulted, then they have been assaulted. As simple, obvious and equitable as this statement should be to all (and acclaimed by all) there is much debate when it is stated. Stating and debating this point is rape prevention.
2. Safe Space to End Victim-Blaming: Many survivors still feel isolated, that they are the only one who have experienced abuse. Additionally, many have internalized the victim-blaming lies they have heard repeated for years. Setting ground rules for the sessions wherein safety is defined, discussed and modeled can provide females a supportive space to tell their stories and hear other females’ stories of experiences dealing with selfish, unthinking, abusive males.
3. Where Are All the Perpetrators?: In surveys on hundreds of campuses, it has been shown that significant numbers, sometimes a quarter or more of female students, have been sexually assaulted. Educators should state the indisputable corollary: that as many as a quarter or more of male students, faculty and staff have committed sexual assault. The dangers posed by strangers continue to be overstated even while most campus assaults are committed by dates, classmates and acquaintances. A significant number of women are not receiving any emotional support and only a tiny number of perpetrators are being confronted. The reasons for these omissions would make good discussion material.
4. All Assaults Matter (and Are Wrong): Sessions for females should include validation that all sexual assaults matter and that all are wrong. The constantly repeated lie (most rape is committed by strangers) is believed by many students. One way I have found to break through some males’ denial that they have committed assault is to ask them “what is the smallest thing that you have done that could hurt someone?” Previously, they had been resistant to defining their acts as possible assaults because they weren’t strangers, didn’t display a weapon to frighten their victim, didn’t kidnap and hold their victim hostage for 18 hours, etc. The same system assiduously teaches females daily that they are unimportant and that because the male student was someone she knew, was from a good family, didn’t display a weapon, he couldn’t have assaulted her.
5. Perpetrators Cause Rape: Perpetrators are completely responsible for their behavior. Nothing the victim does (or doesn’t do) causes the perpetrator to act. Even if the survivor decides later that there are things she might not do or might do differently, having done those things does not diminish the perpetrator’s responsibility. This is crucial to discuss if we are ever to end sexual assault.
6. Identifying the Predominant Perpetrator: On most college campuses white males commit most sexual assaults. But the prevalent myths continue to identify Black Man, White Woman as the only true rape. The connection between rape and racism and the attendant myths about “real” rape and “real” perpetrators need to be discussed. Can this be the generation where these and other lies which are impediments to understanding sexual assault are finally put to rest?
7. Discuss How Males Learn to Rape: Most female survivors do not receive sufficient emotional support. But focusing exclusively on after-the-fact support is victim blaming. Sessions should include talk about those elements of male socialization teach rape supportive attitudes and behaviors. Previous research on rape studied convicted rapists in prison. We need more and better research on the main perpetrators of sexual assault on campus, i.e., middle- and upper class male students. Few, if any campuses have surveyed the males on their campuses about their experiences, attitudes and behaviors. Which do we want to know less about our male students: how many survivors there are among them or how many perpetrators there are among them?
8. Homophobia, a Way to Protect Certain Perpetrators?: Only a very few teens and pre-teens have been able to participate in discussions about homosexuality that are not fatally constrained by the biases of the facilitators. Most students only have a picture of homosexuality and homosexuals that dramatically misrepresents the real lives of gay people. For example, there is the tedious, constantly stated-until-believed generalization that “Gays are all promiscuous.” (It must be this promiscuity which is behind the urge of so many persons of homosexuality to form long-term committed relationships including marriage.) As most parents automatically assume that their children are heterosexual, few if any gay teens are given good information about sex. This lack of good sex education is of course a problem for all youth. If few presumably heterosexual youth receive information helpful to form and maintain long-term relationships including marriage, gay teens are multiply deprived of accurate, unbiased information. This hate and fear and urge to demonize gays has many obvious and some not-so-obvious negative consequences for all youth. Most rape prevention education has almost exclusively focused on the danger that opposite sex perpetrators represent. As most teens have not been helped to differentiate between sex and sexual assault, most survivors of assault committed by same sex perpetrators (male or female) have complex problems in identifying their assault as assault and their perpetrators as perpetrators.
9. Power Imbalanced “Sex”: Students come to school having learned by experience or by observation that relationships wherein there is a distinct imbalance of age, power and experience are common and must be “all right” as so few older perpetrators are ever confronted, let alone, punished. Few of the abusive acts committed by faculty and staff are prosecuted. On most campuses, the perpetrators are allowed to leave campus as “punishment.” (That few faculty and staff received rape prevention education when they were in high school and college is true, but is no defense.) If our rape scenarios and discussion never includes older perpetrators, we’ve missed an opportunity to help students protect themselves from older, more powerful perpetrators.
10. Fear of Female Anger: For millennia, female rage has frightened many males who have tried to “breed” it out of females. Prevention time should be spent fanning the embers of nascent rage that smolder in females. Validating their outrage at the prevalence of rape can help promote verbal expressions of that outrage. Much rape prevention has become too polite and thus ineffective. Instead of focusing all our attention on avoiding making males uncomfortable at all costs, we should be encouraging females to get in touch with all their feelings. While males may not be happy to hear females’ feelings, they will be lucky to hear females’ truth.
11. Nasty Girls: Rape is not inevitable. Many girls and women have stories where they or other females avoided males intent on harassing or sexually-assaulting them. Time spent brainstorming and role-playing how they could respond to an insistent male is rape prevention
12. The Truth About Male Socialization: When I address middle- and high school girls and college women I begin by telling them about male socialization. Most haven’t heard the truth about male socialization, especially from a male. The constant pressure on boys to deny that they are females, are like females or even that they like or love females while surreal and sad when examined directly, through constant repetition have great power over boys (and men). For example, Bobby Knight has put boxes of tampons into the lockers of certain of his basketball players. His message is that they are playing so poorly that they must be women (and therefore in need of tampons). Boys are taught to conceptualize themselves in opposition: as not-women and not-gay. In spite of all the pressures to conform, all boys aren’t the same; all don’t embody the worst attributes of boys. All are not one-dimensional, compulsive, violent. There is not, however, a second paradigm available to boys which takes for granted (and celebrates) the inclusion of those attributes traditionally identified as “female” that exist in every male. When I mentioned so called female attributes that we all have inside of us, one panicked high school boy asked, “can anybody else see them?”
13. Redefining Rape Out of Existence: Even as school personnel privately admit that significant numbers of their female students have been sexually assaulted, the same schools publish in campus crime reports and report to the government that either no, or a tiny number of assaults were committed. Rape prevention sessions for females should solicit their thoughts and feelings about the seeming priorities of the institution.
14. The Intent of the Rapist: Instead of listening to the feelings of the survivor to define that she has been assaulted, much of the date rape debate has been manipulated instead to center on the motivation of the perpetrator as a way of diminishing the assault. “Did he intend to rape her?” “Did he know what he was doing?” “How drunk were they?” The perpetrator’s motivation, understanding of the severity of his action, willingness to accept that it was an assault and acceptance of the rightfulness of punishment, should not play a part in defining that the assault was an assault.
15. Keeping Victims From Reporting: The main impediment that keeps most survivors from reporting is that they can’t imagine that: friends, partners, family, school, legal system will believe them or care about them. A crucial question to ask groups of females is “Does every other female student have even one other female who she can tell everything to? Someone who will support her unconditionally and not judge her?” Invariably, when I ask this of middle- and high school girls and college women, they answer they don’t think that most other females have that support. I ask them to think about how it might feel if all females (and by extension they themselves) had that level of support. This is something very powerful that we can encourage and model. I suggest to females that I believe that this is some of their best work and is definitely rape prevention.
16. Honor the Female Pioneers: Rape prevention sessions for females should include the inspiring story of the activism of female college students, and the important history of the last 30 years. Female students (you know, those “ditsy co-eds” only in school for husbands and a good time?) forced the American higher-education system to begin to take their experiences and lives seriously. Most of the impetus for campuses taking any proactive steps to respond to the sexual assault of females on their campuses was originally provided by female student activism. Yes, there were some female staff, faculty and administrators who struggled alongside the female student activists, and it must be said, very few (sadly few) male students, staff, faculty and administrators, but the vast majority of the activism came from female students. That this history is not discussed and that some educators act as if they invented rape prevention is similar to how the amazing leadership provided by second wave feminists of the late sixties through today was belittled, misrepresented, demonized and when finally adopted, represented as if it was a man’s brilliant idea all along.
17. Male-Defined Sex: I think it’s necessary to discuss how sex has been defined by males. Not that long ago, females weren’t seen as equal partners, or even people. I think it is crucial to discuss how the abased sexuality taught by pornography reduced females to “receptacles;” how females are the “recipient” of sex; the acted upon. The inactive sexual role females were forced into, accompanied a situation where the “most” females were allowed sexually was to grant access to their body or acquiesce (submit) to certain acts. In common (male) argot, he “does” her and she is, therefore, “done.” He “gets” some, she “gives” some. This historical situation hasn’t necessarily changed in the lives of many female students today. The impact of this on rape prevention education is crucial to examine.
18. The End of Blue Balls: Many females are aghast (and amused) when I tell them that most boys were told they could suffer grievously if they didn’t ejaculate when they were aroused. I was told “all” about “blue balls” at age 12 when a friend’s older brother sat us young guys down and told us. While it’s true that many males feel chagrin for having previously believed this ridiculous lie, some males still believe it. The ugly part of the lie of “blue balls” is that it teaches males that females (not they) are responsible for their pleasure. Since his arousal was “her fault,” then it’s “her responsibility” to “relieve” him. I tell the girls: “No matter what he tells you, his penis won’t fall off if you tell him ‘no.’ Contrary to boy-lore, no male ever died from not ejaculating. You are as important as he, your desires absolutely as important. If you choose to submit to his pressure, that isn’t consent.”
19. Female Perpetrators: There are some girls and women who perpetrate incest and other sexual assault against females or males. Female perpetrators have not been adequately studied or discussed. As with male perpetrators, some female perpetrators are survivors. While not every survivor perpetrates, statistically, as there are females who have perpetrated sexual abuse present in our rape prevention sessions, these sessions would be the perfect time to discuss and discourage this behavior. This discussion can be the perfect place to define the difference between childhood sex play or “doctor,” and committing sexual assault. Some survivors who perpetrate may be attempting to make sense of the abuse they experienced. Whether or not they eventually come to understand and practice a non-coercive, non-abusive sexuality, that isn’t justification for committing assault—plainly their “acting-out” on others replicates the abuse they previously suffered. I’m not excusing anyone’s abusive behavior as I identify the motivation of some perpetrators. It is distressing to me to realize that the vast majority of girls and women never hear that there are female perpetrators of incest and sexual assault. This sets up some to be assaulted by females and some to commit assault, never even having heard that that could be hurtful and wrong.
20. The “Feminization” of Higher Education: Rape prevention sessions for females can discuss the so-called national crisis in education that has been declared since the ratio of females to males has reached 60/40 at some schools (at least in the US). It was not generally held to be a “crisis” when for hundreds of years the opposite ratio of males to females (and 70/30 m/f, 80/20, m/f and even 100/0 m/f) was the norm.
o What is the message about this “dangerous feminization” to women?
o What is the message to men?
o Are statements of institutional concern about violence against women on campus negated by expressions of panic about diminishing numbers of (and fear of alienating) male students?
21. Female Athletes: On every one of your women’s teams there are some female incest and sexual assault survivors. Over 75% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Some females of subgroups (like athletics or the Greek system) are resistant to bring shame and attention to their group. “Don’t air our dirty laundry in public,” they are told. Some victims fear reprisal and don’t report someone they will have to go to class with, practice or travel with or be coached by. Few of the males and coaches who have assaulted these females or other women are not being confronted, punished and rehabilitated.
Joseph Weinberg will be speaking to high school boys about:
1. Boys learn to ignore women’s lives and the treatment of females. Because females are “alien,” their problems/pain are “trivial.” Since rape and harassment are trivialized as “women’s issues,” males who are incest or other sexual assault survivors often don’t identify their experiences as sexual assaults. This problem of definition also renders these males less able to support males who have been assaulted.
2. In every session with males I say that there are male survivors of incest or other sexual assault present. Some of the defensiveness that we encounter when talking to boys about sexual assault is due to the survivor issues of some participants not being addressed. Some angry boys in workshops are jerks, but not all. Inside some defensive boys is an assaulted boy in incredible pain screaming “What about me? What about my pain?”
3. Arguably every male knows someone—a friend, lover, relative, spouse—who is a survivor of incest or other sexual assault. The skills necessary to be a helpful listener or ally of a survivor are not being taught to boys and men. I hear boys’ frustration when they don’t know what to do or are afraid to do or say anything rather than do the wrong thing. Much valuable prevention information can be imparted here. I find very little defensiveness when discussing how the abusive behavior of other males affects the survivors and present-day friends, lovers, relatives, partners. Many males who can see the affects sexual assault has had on someone they care about are not a “hard sell” about how sexual assault affects people.
4. In each session with males, I state that I believe that a majority present have done something on a date or in a relationship that would legally qualify as a sexual assault. Some are aware that what they have done is assault, some have not had to identify their behavior as assault, some will come to redefine their behavior as assault during and as a result of an education session. I am met with little argument about this. Many of them feel guilty about things they have done. If we can separate their fears of (statistically improbable) legal retribution, I sense that participants almost appreciate the naming of their acts.
5. Teach the history of the rape laws and their expansion into the current sexual assault laws. Read and discuss: 1) your school policies and state laws concerning sexual harassment and assault; and 2) scenarios to illuminate the laws and policies and give them a chance to ask important questions.
6. Discuss the prevalence of sexual assault in the U.S. Most of these students have grown up with stereotypes of the rapist as a stranger. Stranger rape only comprises a small percentage of the total rapes committed. Most perpetrators of sexual assault (including incest, marital rape, date rape and acquaintance rape,) are known to the victim.
7. Teach how the sexist double-standard of “acceptable” behavior can render female sexuality secret and repressed, and male sexuality one-dimensional, compulsive and empty.
8. Explore how the “locker room talk” that they are all familiar with, and many are so fluent in, helps create an environment conducive to sexual assault. The paradigms of women, men and sex that ensue from locker room talk make forming relationships based on respect and love much more difficult.
9. Reveal the connections between depictions of women and men in popular culture (advertising, movies, television) and levels of sexual violence. This is how gender is taught. No wonder we get “paradigms” like Butthead and Barbie.
10. The behavior of males is predicated on pressure from other males. Teach males to better withstand peer pressure to conform to a rigid, limiting masculinity that can hurt others and themselves. Discuss how their desperate urge to prove their masculinity (and heterosexuality) causes them to distort sexuality and commit acts of violence against females and males.
11. Alcohol abuse is epidemic on college campuses and on the increase. The abuse of alcohol is in and of itself a health hazard. Most males are shocked to hear that consent to sexual activity cannot be given by an intoxicated person. There is no causal relationship between alcohol and sexual assault, but alcohol is a factor in many assaults. Alcohol has been sold as an innocent “tool of seduction,” which facilitates (lubricates) “romance.” In truth, it is a liquid bludgeon. Attempting to confront men’s alcohol abuse without naming it and other compulsive, self-destructive behaviors necessary to maintain their macho status, has proven to be less than effective.
12. It is crucial to discuss how aspects of the traditional male gender model hurt boys and teach the mistreatment of girls and other boys as normal and even heroic.
13. Teach males consent and taking responsibility for their behavior. I tell males that I do not want to have sex with someone who does not want to have sex with me. It is therefore 100% my responsibility to find out that she is as enthusiastic as I. If someone feels assaulted, she/he has been assaulted, regardless of the perpetrator’s intent. He may really believe that “sex” happened. After the fact is too late to undo the assault. There does not have to be force, a weapon, screaming, etc. for it to be a “real” rape. Practicing consent in their sexual interactions now will protect them much better than would a good attorney later.
14. Discussion of the history of victim-blaming and its flip-side, perpetrator-exoneration, is necessary in order to draw a contrast with our focus on males taking responsibility for their behavior.
15. Most statistics on rape are based on men in prison, a very skewed sampling. Stating the fact that statistically there are perpetrators present, some who knew exactly what they were doing and some who will realize during the workshop that they have assaulted, helps to introduce a sense of reality and immediacy to the discussion.
16. Most students have only seen Hollywood depictions of sexual assault, which portray violence essentially as soft-core pornography. As a result, empathy for survivors is not necessarily an automatic response. Most students have not heard of the possible emotional consequences and long-term effects on the survivor.
17. The possibility of legal consequences for the perpetrator must be explained. There is a false belief that any sexual activity on their part could “too easily” lead to incarceration. It is important to dispel the atmosphere of panic by providing accurate information about the rates of reporting and incarceration. At the same time, I will emphasize that assaultive behaviors are criminal and should be punished.
20. Statistically there are survivors of incest and other sexual assault present in every group of males. Naming and discussing this painful secret can help another group of survivors negotiate the difficult path to recovery. Additionally, acknowledging the experience of male survivors may reduce the defensiveness of some participants who are used to hearing only about female survivors and male perpetrators.
21. We should state the fact that there are friends, relatives and lovers of survivors present in every group, and validate the helplessness, the anger, the urge to do something, that they feel.
22. It can help males understand that they are affected by living in a rape culture when we discuss how other males’ acts of violence, besides the primary effect on the survivor, can also affect them as males. (For example, they might marry a woman who is a survivor of incest or other sexual assault.)
23. We should encourage students to think about how misogyny, the hatred and fear of females, is the basis for the power imbalances that underlie rape culture. Students can bring their own experiences into a discussion of how misogyny is taught to males, and how it constrains their relationships with all females.
24. They need to learn how to stop abusive behavior, if they are abusing. There can be no excuses allowed.
25. They need to learn how to take responsibility for their behavior. They have not seen many models of boys or men taking responsibility for their abusive behavior.
26. While it is a potential minefield, I believe we need to discuss the possible emotional consequences and long-term effects on the perpetrator of committing sexual assault. Broaching this previously unthinkable topic can make this discussion meaningful in new ways to those male students who have assaulted, to survivors of assault and to students who may have questions about whether they have assaulted. It will also reinforce those who have not assaulted.
27. All boys growing up are discouraged from feeling their feelings. Your male students need to learn how to feel their feelings, including the possible feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, and regret that they may have about past actions. Teaching males how to feel empathy for their own experiences and lives growing up can enable them to feel empathy toward women.
28. What we call homophobia is the outward manifestation of males’ learned discomfort, questions, and fears about their own masculinity. This fear/anger at people perceived to be gay follows from the disquieting possibility that they themselves might be designated gay, and subjected to possible punishments from “friends.” This panic affects all males’ lives and relationships with other males and with females.
29. Preconceptions about race and class play an important role in maintaining the rape culture. For example, the prevalent stereotype of “the rapist” is a working-class man of color. Many people use such stereotypes as a comfortable way of distancing themselves from the problem of sexual assault. We need to persuade all students that sexual assault is an issue for people “like them.”
30. Most of your students attend “sex-panicked” high schools. Such an atmosphere discourages candid and sincere discussions of sexuality. Your honesty about sexuality and presentation of long-overdue sex education information is necessary and will be welcomed by students.
31. Boys have been taught many problematic ideas about sex by older male “role models.” Other myths come from their male peers, whose falsehoods only flourish in a vacuum left by adults’ failure to engage boys in honest discussions. For very many boys, pornography serves as “default” sex education, providing a warped picture of male and female sexuality.
32. Because, sadly, many students really don’t know the difference between sex and sexual assault, we must teach them the difference. If we can help them visualize a non-abusive, consensual and torrid sexuality, I doubt many would choose hurting someone instead of sharing pleasure.
33. Initially, I find boys incredulous about the possibility of confronting other boys’ or men’s egregious behavior. Most boys have had no opportunity to discuss their trepidation about this possibility seriously.
34. These sessions should provide reinforcement for males who are questioning the absolutes of masculinity and who are seeking different, non-violent ways of being men.
35. Males will respond at the level we allow them to. We can reach out to them honestly, without pandering or talking down to them. We can treat them as if they are complex people and potentially important allies in a movement to help end sexual assault.
36. Many of the attributes necessary to be a caring, supportive friend are, to this day, discouraged in boys by other boys. Since most (or perhaps all) males will know someone who is a survivor of incest or other sexual assault, teaching listening skills is paramount.
37. Since challenging other men’s egregious behaviors and attitudes is such a new idea, role-playing and discussion to practice safely challenging other boys is necessary. This will help them see that it is possible, increase their confidence and make it more likely that they will then act on their newly developed skills.
38. We cannot discuss improving men’s behavior without also taking into account the many self-destructive ways boys learn to avoid their feelings. If we teach boys to be more emotionally literate, they can learn how to have self-esteem without controlling others or harming themselves. Males need to learn how to take better care of themselves.
39. Teaching boys how they can ask for and provide emotional support from other males will reduce their unrealistic expectations (demands) that women selflessly tend to all of men’s emotional needs. More realistic expectations about women will result in more egalitarian relationships. We can also teach boys to expect and be willing to work hard to form and maintain relationships with complex partners.
40. Approximately half of your students have experienced divorce in their families. Many have not seen a long-lasting relationship. The skills necessary for forming and maintaining a successful relationship have not previously been taught to males. Many are eager to learn how to sustain loving, egalitarian, long-term relationships, including marriage.
41. The skills and attributes necessary to make a “good father” are only beginning to be identified and discussed. Teaching boys a non-abusive and nurturing fathering style will help them to be gentle, loving men.
42. Teaching boys how to be better fathers should also include helping them be more conscious fathers to girls. Instead of the mixed messages many fathers have, in the past, sent to their daughters, men can help raise strong, self-reliant girls who expect to be treated as important people, equal to boys.
43. We can help boys to see that the paradigm imposed on them as boys only allowed them to stand out by winning a negative competition: to be “badder,” more foul-mouthed, more dangerous. Unless we encourage gentleness, kindness and nurturing skills, we shouldn’t be so shocked when middle school boys shoot other students—they are eager to go out in a blaze of glory.
44. We can show boys how to find a fierce joy in challenging and changing a culture destructive to girls and women and to boys and men. We can help teach males to expect and insist on a higher ethical standard from themselves and other males.
45. By modeling our genuine eagerness to learn from male students, we can help them recognize how much valuable insight they already have into their lives and into rape culture.
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